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塞林格《破碎故事之心》语录:我爱上你双唇微启的样子

我爱上你双唇微启的样子。你为我揭开了万事万物的谜底。四年前我来到纽约,我从没有不开心过,但也没有开心过。更确切地说,我是纽约成千上万的年轻人中的一员,仅仅是谋生罢了。

我从西雅图来到纽约。我想变得功成名就。但四年过去了,我意识到我很难出人头地。我只是个优秀的印刷小工,如此而已。等有一天印刷员病了,我就接替他工作。事情被我搞得一团糟,莱斯特小姐。根本没人听我的。我叫排字员去工作时,他就咯咯乱笑。我不怪他。我命令别人的时候挺傻的。我想我不过是那数百万从没想过要发号施令的人之一。但我真的无所谓了。我老板刚雇了个23岁的小子。他才23岁,而我已经31了,并且在同一个地方做了四年。但我知道有一天他会变成印刷主管,而我还是当他的小工。但就算这样我也无所谓了。

爱你是我唯一重要的事,莱斯特小姐。有人认为爱是性、是婚姻、是清晨六点的吻,是一堆孩子,或许如此吧,莱斯特小姐。但你知道我的想法吗?我认为爱是想要触碰却又收回的手。

我想对于一个女人来说,嫁给一个在他人看来是多金又英俊、机智或受欢迎的男人是很重要的。我连受欢迎都谈不上。甚至没人讨厌我。我只是——我仅仅是——贾斯汀·霍根施拉格。我从没让人感到愉快、难过、生气,哪怕厌烦。我想人们觉得我是个好人,然而这就是全部了。

我小时候从来没人说过我可爱、阳光或是好看。如果他们非得说些什么,他们会说我的腿虽然短还蛮结实的。

我不指望你能回信,莱斯特小姐。虽然你的回信是我在这个世上最想要的东西,但坦白说我真的不指望。我只想让你知道实情。如果我对你的爱只能把我带向全新的巨痛,那也是我活该。

原文如下:
I loved the way your lips were so slightly parted. You represented the answer to everything to me. I haven’t been unhappy since I came to New York four years ago, but neither have I been happy. Rather, I can best describe myself as having been one of the thousands of young men in New York who simply exist.

I came to New York from Seattle. I was going to become rich and famous and well-dressed and suave. But in four years I’ve learned that I am not going to become rich and famous and well-dressed and suave. I’m a good printer’s assistant, but that’s all I am. One day the printer got sick, and I had to take his place. What a mess I made of things, Miss Lester. No one would take my orders. The typesetters just sort of giggled when I would tell them to get to work. And I don’t blame them. I’m a fool when I give orders. I suppose I’m just one of the millions who was never meant to give orders. But I don’t mind anymore. There’s a twenty-three-year-old kid my boss just hired. He’s only twenty-three, and I am thirty-one and have worked at the same place for four years. But I know that one day he will become head printer, and I will be his assistant. But I don’t mind knowing this anymore.

Loving you is the important thing, Miss Lester. There are some people who think love is sex and marriage and six o’clock-kisses and children, and perhaps it is, Miss Lester. But do you know what I think? I think love is a touch and yet not a touch.

I suppose it’s important to a woman that other people think of her as the wife of a man who is either rich, handsome, witty or popular. I’m not even popular. I’m not even hated. I’m just—I’m just—Justin Horgenschlag. I never make people gay, sad, angry, or even disgusted. I think people regard me as a nice guy, but that’s all.

When I was a child no one pointed me out as being cute or bright or good-looking. If they had to say something they said I had sturdy little legs.

I don’t expect an answer to this letter, Miss Lester. I would like an answer more than anything else in the world, but truthfully I don’t expect one. I merely wanted you to know the truth. If my love for you has only led me to a new and great sorrow, only I am to blame.

——J.D.塞林格J.D.Salinger《破碎故事之心(The Heart of a Broken Story)》

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